Choose Joy

Fours years ago we were told the unimaginable. After receiving devastating news, our idea of becoming new parents changed drastically. We had decorated a beautiful room to welcome him home. We received parenting advice from family and friends. We had his clothes washed, his bath accessories cleaned and had researched all we could about nursing, sleep schedules…all the things!

Everything we had learned became irrelevant and our venture into parenthood took a much different route. 

Though we never heard Rhodes cry, Joe and I still took every hour we had to love on our child physically. We shared him with family, friends, co-workers, nurses, hospital personnel. It brings me to tears thinking about how many people Rhodes impacted. I like to think it was because Joe and I knew we had a special child and we had the presence of mind to share him with whomever wanted to meet him.

In the past four years, we have learned of other families who have had a sudden infant loss and each time I so badly wish I could tell those parents our son’s story. I wish I could tell them how we cried so much but we also celebrated 32 hrs with our little big guy. And those 32 hours were so very critical for our healing. I find it remarkable that Joe and I were able to feel joy during an earth shattering time. There is no doubt that God gave us the strength to celebrate our son in such a short period of time.

Recently, I wrote a letter to a family who lost their baby- 

My heart breaks for your sweet family. I don’t know what occurred but I know that today is devastating. How I wish there were words to ease just an ounce of heartache.

The only thing I know is that God is present. In your anger, despair, hopelessness...HE is there. 

I’m writing this to let you know there are survivors from such a horrific, unthinkable loss.

I am very thankful we did certain things with our son before our earthly time with him ended.

We took over 300 photos with him, some with friends and family holding him. I (his mother) even smiled in a couple of those photos because I was so in awe of my son’s beauty and his size. I wanted to show my future kids pictures of their big brother with a proud mom and dad. My favorite picture is a photo of our son’s fingers gripping his mom and dad’s hands.  

We took pictures of him with his personalized quilt.

We took prints of his hands and feet. Put them on paper, molded it in clay and stamped them on a football and basketball.

We changed his clothes multiple times. He wore his coming home outfit. He wore a UK outfit. He wore the sweetest blue and white shoes.

We swaddled him numerous times.

We prayed over him.

I slept next to him.

We sang to him.

We had visitors (family, as well as friends) come and meet our son.

I rocked him.

We clipped a lock of his hair.

I put lotion on him.

I wish I had read him a book. I don’t know why I cling to that but I wish I had.

I write this because today was not suppose to happen. Today is the unimaginable. Cherish these hours you have. My husband and I brag about the 32 hours we got to snuggle our son and show him off.

We are praying for your sweet family.

I share this letter because we live in a broken world and our son’s story may help another family find joy and create memories during an unimaginable loss.

We have had two healthy babies since August 3rd, 2015. Each pregnancy was great. I didn’t worry that the unimaginable could possibly occur. We were thankful with each pregnancy. Our joy always outweighed any fear we may have had.

August 3rd, is a tough day for our little family. We get through the hard stuff by remembering the joy and love we felt that day.

Three Years

 

Today we should be celebrating the 3rd birthday of our first child, Rhodes. 

Three years and two more kiddos later, I’m still learning to cope with the loss of the child who made me a mother.

I’ve learned a handful since delivering an 8lb 11oz baby boy who never took a breath outside of the womb. He looked perfect but for reasons I’ll never know, he died.

When we lose a loved one, we keep their memory alive by sharing stories and reminiscing over photos. With the death of Rhodes at 37 weeks gestational it isn’t that simplistic. Yes, we have photos but there is a loss of life in each and every photo. Yes, we have memories but we are reminiscing about the pregnancy or the time we spent at the hospital.

As time passes, I struggle with the idea of not being able to share the child who gave me the title “mom.” How do you share that you are a mom of three when your first child died for an unknown reason while in utero?

It’s tough. It’s uncomfortable.                                 It’s our story.

Joe and I are blessed with a heavenly child and two earthly children. I think we have a responsibility to share our story. 

If it were not for our genuine love, faith and trust in the Lord, I know it would have been impossible to get through such an unimaginable loss.

The matter as to how Rhodes died will always weigh heavily on my heart. One, because the loss of a child is horrific. And secondly, because Rhodes died while I was pregnant with him. I was his sole provider, his life-source and that’s a hard truth to carry.

Three years later and I still wonder, what if? What if my water broke sooner; would he still be alive? What if my body was giving me signs of fetal distress; did I miss something? What if I was more diligent about counting the number of kicks each hour; would I have headed to the ER immediately? What if I had a food borne illness; was I not careful enough?

Before August 3rd, 2015 I had only questioned my Creater a few times and I did not have a reason to not trust Him. And now on what should have been one of the happiest days of my life, I was full of questions. The weeks and months following Rhodes’s death I was full of doubt and full of anger towards God. Even through my outspoken anger to God, He never abandoned me…not once. And I know my relationship and trust in the Father has grown immensely since the death of Rhodes.

I have a son who is much more than I could have ever imagined – his story is our testimony. I think about Heaven differently now that I have a son there. When I’m overwhelmed with grief, I remember that there will be a day that I will see our son again and knowing that is such a sobering reminder!

Losing a baby is unfathomable. The only way we have been able to survive these last 3 years is because of our faith in God. We’ve had two more joyous pregnancies because of our trust in God.

Today we relish in what could have been. We are thankful that August 3rd, 2015 is not a finality. We know we will see our son again and that is an extraordinary gift.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Rhodes!

Answered Prayers

After Rhodes died, Joe and I felt that the past 8 months our prayers had been unheard. Where was God when Rhodes’ heart stop beating? Had he been ignoring our sweet requests for a healthy child?!? We had numerous doctors appointments that confirmed we had a growing healthy child but in an instant his heart had just stopped. No explanation. Just stopped.

It took time and sometimes we still fall short but I know God heard and is continuing to listen to our prayers…

December was hard for me. It was December when I realized how angry I was with God. I felt so abandoned. Since losing Rhodes, I made a daily attempt to be thankful. Thankful for something…anything. But it was in the first couple of weeks in December that I was plain mad and felt like God wasn’t listening. I realized my faith in God’s plan for Joe and I was diminishing and I wondered if he had just forgotten about us. I continued to pray.

One Monday afternoon, while pumping gas an older man walked up to me and said, “Hey, there. Do you have any kids because I would like to give you a car.”

*note: if I’m ever asked if I have any children, I say “yes” and proceed to change the subject.*

Since this gentleman wanted to give me a car for my child and Rhodes has zero use for anything tangible, I smiled and said “no, sir.”

He walked away.

I took a deep breath, thankful he walked away.

The sweet man walked back up to me and said “Are you sure there isn’t a little boy in your family that would enjoy a car?”

With a very hesitant smile, I said, “I have a 2 year old nephew.”

“Great!” Ol’ stranger man said…”let me pull up my car.”

At this moment it was clear to me, I may be getting stolen…

The gentleman pulls his car up to mine and pops his trunk. He pulls from a sack a small wooden car.

Sweetest wooden car you have ever seen. A handcrafted light tan car with dark brown wooden wheels. So sweet. Perfect for a little boy. Would have been perfect for Rhodes.

I flipped the car over and underneath it was stamped, “God Loves You.”

With watery eyes, I told him how thankful I was for this precious car.

I couldn’t wait to show Joe.

That Thursday, we took an at home pregnancy test and with utter shock read, “you’re pregnant.”

The next Monday at counseling, I shared the car story with our counselor. Because Joe has had significant dreams since we lost Rhodes, Dr. Corr asked Joe if he had, had any recent dreams.  So Joe shared what he thought was an unimportant dream.

His dream was about playing high school football. He had his pads and jersey on but couldn’t find his helmet.

That’s the dream. The end. No significance, right!?!

Dr. Corr said, “seems like your heart is protected but your head, your mind, isn’t. Is there something on your mind? Because your heart is okay but your mind is unsure. What’s on your mind?”

Joe was about to fall out of his seat when Dr. Corr asked and Joe was elated to be able to tell him that we had just learned we were pregnant.

After the hugs, Dr. Corr explained how it is difficult for Joe’s mind to comprehend our current pregnancy because after extensive testing, there is not a medical reason why Rhodes died. Joe’s mind is nervous, anxious, overwhelmed about being pregnant again but his heart…his heart is ready. His heart is elated.

Dr. Corr wanted to go back to my story at the gas station.

He asked, “when did you get this car?”
Me – Last Monday.
Dr. – Okay, so Monday you weren’t aware you were pregnant. What is significant about that day? Besides receiving the car…what does Monday mean for you?

Without hesitation, I shared how difficult Monday’s are. We found out Rhodes had no heartbeat on a Monday. Monday’s are hard. But Rhodes was born on a Monday so I try not to dwell on my heartache but remember my blessings. But it is difficult. Monday’s are usually empty.

Dr. – And this stranger gave you a car? Not a tractor, plane, or a dinosaur…a car!?!
Me – Correct, a little car.
Dr. – Hmm, and another term for a car is an automobile.
Me – (completely confused) Yes, of course.
Dr. – So, let’s break it down….automobile. “Auto” means self and “mobile” means to travel, to carry. Hallie, you are carrying your child and wrapped around that is stamped, “God loves you.”

I was speechless.

Dr. Corr proceeded, “before you knew you were pregnant God had given you not only a sign but an object to let you know, you all are going to be okay.”

God is so good.

Our first doctor appointment to see “BJ2” (baby jackson #2) was on Dec. 28th, the day Joe and I learned we were pregnant with Rhodes.

At that an appointment, we learned our second child’s due date is August 22nd…Rhodes’ due date was August 22nd. We were in shock.

We don’t feel like BJ2’s story is coincidental. It can’t be. It’s an answer to our prayers. God has never abandoned us. Yes, He knew Rhodes’ heart was going to stop. As heartbreaking as it is not experiencing life with Rhodes on my hip, I know it is God’s will.

We know there have been countless numbers of prayers said for our sweet family. We thank you. Please continue to pray for us through the next 4 months (BJ2 will arrive between 36-37 gestational weeks). Pray for a healthy child with a strong heart. Pray that our fear never outweighs our joy. And pray that we never lose sight that God loves us.

Our prayers have been answered.

We continue to be thankful,
Joe and Hal

December 2nd

Joe and I have been married four years today. We’ve celebrated our anniversary each year but this year’s celebration is not what we had expected. This year we intended to spend our anniversary as a sweet family of three.

Before Rhodes was born, Joe and I had discussed if we would spend our anniversary night taking him to dinner and walking around the Opry hotel admiring the Christmas decor or if we would spend our anniversary dinner just the two of us…

This morning, we woke up in Vegas packing our luggage to head back home. This anniversary isn’t what I had ever imagined. This day is not what I expected. My heart still and will always ache for our son. Though what I visioned for today will not come to fruition, I can say without a doubt that my love for Joe Jackson is more than I could have ever imagine.

We’ve been through a lot in the past four months. So much sadness and overwhelming loss but I couldn’t fathom the last four months without Joe. He hasn’t been my rock but instead he has shown me who our Rock is and that our ability to survive without Rhodes is because of our faith in Christ.

Today will be hard. Tomorrow, Rhodes will be four months. December will be tough…Jan, Feb, March, our forever will be difficult but I know God has a plan.

I am so thankful.
Thankful for a loving, comforting, present Lord.

I am so blessed.
Blessed to call Joe my husband, my grief sharer, my favorite.
Blessed to call Rhodes my son, my lil’ big guy, my testimony.

Life is much harder since August 3rd. I yearn for Rhodes. Each day is difficult. New and old feelings/realizations are present every day and some days it seems too much to bear but then I remember I have so much to be thankful for. I have a son who is so much more than I could have ever hoped and a husband who is more than I deserve. I have ALWAYS loved “our story” and after losing Rhodes, I told Joe I still wanted to love our story but didn’t know if I could. Our story is tougher but I am SO in love with our story. I love our son, I love us. I couldn’t imagine crying, laughing, coping, loving, surviving without my husband, Joe.

Our Lil’ Big Guy

In the early hours of August 3rd, my water broke and I started having contractions. Joe and I headed to the hospital. After being at the hospital for only a few minutes we knew something terrible was occurring. I was rushed to labor and delivery where two doctors and a plethora of nurses informed us Rhodes did not have a heartbeat and had passed away due to a placental abruption. Though we were broken and shattered, I delivered Rhodes at 11:19AM after 34 minutes of pushing and Joe cut the umbilical cord. We had been in love with him since we learned we were pregnant on Dec 28th and now we were in awe of him. He was 3 weeks early and weighed 8 lbs 11 oz and was 21 inches long. He had the longest legs and big ol’hands. We spent the next 34 and half hours loving on our lil’ big guy and showing him off to family and friends.

The past two weeks have been unimaginable and heartbreaking. We yearn to have him in our arms but we know one day we will be reunited with him. We are so thankful that God blessed us with such a wonderful son who we spent the past 9 months with. Though we are beyond sad, we know we have a faithful and loving God. We may never know why Rhodes was taken from us but we do know that Rhodes’s story will one day glorify Him.

Please continue to pray for us and our families.

– Joe & Hallie

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